I spent this past weekend at a friend’s house attending a very small, local version of If: Gathering. It was a beautiful, convicting, spirit-filled time, and I am so grateful for the conversation and realization that it brought.
During one of the sessions, one of the speakers asked a question to the effect of, “What would it look like if we focused more on making God known, than making ourselves known?” At first the question went in one ear and out the other. I’ve heard it before, and I’m sure you have to. But then I did a double take. What if I cared more about making God known than making myself known?
Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve wanted to be important, to do something that puts me in the history books, to have a biography written about me. I want to make a difference. I want to change the world. I want to be remembered. I want to impact someone’s life.
I want, I want, I want.
I get so wrapped up in these grandiose ideas of what I can do for God, what I can do for people. But the problem is, I’m not doing it for God. I’m doing it for myself, with the hopes that other Christians, or other citizens, or other humans look at me and say “she is so good.”
I’m selfish. I’m arrogant. I’m working for myself, for my own glory. And anything I do that isn’t for the glory of God isn’t worth doing at all.
How can I even pretend that I work for the glory of God when I change the music I listen to in order to avoid the judgment of my peers? How can I pretend that I work for the glory of God when I tell people I was ‘in a teacher’s class during lunch’ instead of telling them I was at bible study? How can I pretend that I work for the glory of God when I hide His love for me and for them when it should be pouring from my soul?
I daydream about God using me in a foreign country, bringing people to Him with unfailing faith and love. But why would God give me the opportunity to impact people in another nation when I deny the mission field He has provided for me at school?
Those grand ideas of what I could do for God? I can’t do anything for God. He doesn’t need me.
But because He gave everything for me, and because I have accepted Him in full, I am called to serve Him. Not because He needs me, but because I need him. Because without Him, I am nothing. Because without Him, I am dead, dry bones.
My prayers lately have been for God to reveal His plan to me, to show me His calling in my life. But He already gave me my calling, before the thought of me ever crossed my parents’ minds. He called me, he called us, to “go and make disciples of all the nations” (Matthew 28:19). I have no excuse, I have no reason, to deny my peers and my neighbors the chance to hear the Good News.
I don’t know what my future holds, and I don’t know what mission field God will put on my heart in the years to come. But I do know that I have a calling that does not depend on my environment. I was created to serve the God who loves me, for nothing but His glory.